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I don't know what it is with me and cupcakes but it is my dessert of choice. I have a photo of my dad and I when I was around three or four and he was icing the cupcakes we had baked "together." Well as "together" as any three year old can bake with her dad. This has been a treasured photo of mine. He walked out of my life shortly after that and never cared enough to look back and keep in touch. So I guess the cupcakes just make me feel a connection that was once there and I can never regain. Comfort food.
I've eaten a lot of comfort food and the results have been for me to gain weight at a young age. My mother had called my dad for an unrelated issue to me when I was fourteenish and put me on the phone with him. He asked me if I wanted a book. I said sure just glad to have ANY kind of acknowledgment from the man I was reminded of every day that I was a spitting image of. He sent me a book about SEX, complete with four-color photographs. Mom wasn't too happy about that one. He sent monthly "science kits" he had gotten as a subscription for me. In that same conversation he asked me what my weight was. I told him about 120 pounds to which he replied, "You must be a fat goat." I was devastated. That should have been my clue then that my birth father just wasn't a very nice person let alone a loving parent. I started crying and just handed the phone to my mother.
After college, for years I sought his attention for unknown reasons. I moved to California to try to start our relationship over. He ended up kicking me out. He was mad because I had used the $300 he gave me to "live off" to pay my car payment because it was the right thing to do. I had nothing but clothes and my car. Nothing. I had been a struggling college student for Gods Sake. After he told me to pack my things and leave, he went outside to mow the lawn. I grabbed two garbage bags and started loading my clothes into the plastic bags. He came in the house, slammed the door and yelled to me, "What the hell are you doing in here?" I was stunned because I was doing exactly what he told me to do. Putting the clothes into the garbage bags to leave, thinking about where I would go so far away from Pennsylvania. Thinking about if I could make it living out of my car and trying not to cry in front of my Dad. There would be enough of that after I left. I was alone in California by myself with only a car and no money and no job. He said, "I heard you throwing glasses in here." I said, "Really? Where are they? I'm just putting my clothes into the bags." First of all he couldn't have possibly heard me doing that if he was behind a lawn mower motor running but secondly there weren't any glasses of any kind in my room.
I tried for years to be the "daughter" that a father would be proud of. I am the "daughter" that ANY father would be proud of but at some point a child grows into an adult that has to come to grips with the feeling of just simply not being wanted by a parent. It is, in my opinion, the most hurtful pain any person can bear. It is a cross to bear of a lifetime. God became my father that day and hasn't let me down like my birth father. EVER. And just as a cupcake is a small version that satisfies my craving for an entire cake, God, the Father has provided me with a slice of heaven on earth by satisfying my craving for the love of my father.
Its too bad I couldn't request a replacement father for the same reasons as I was getting a replacement dozen cupcakes, hard as a brick and so bad I had to throw him out of my life.
A bad father never has a good son ~ Latin Proverb
Happy Easter! Our holy Father in Heaven, thank you for sending your only son so that we all shall live. And I mean really LIVE! Put on an Easter Bonnet today and Sing ....it doesn't have to be pretty...just sing!