Nothing Finer than Living in North Caroliner

Nothing Finer than Living in North Caroliner
Blue Ridge Smoky Mountains

Friday, June 17, 2011

Day 155 - Father's Day...not so Happy

A Letter From my Grandfather
[as was delivered with grammatical errors and misspellings]

Mrs. Brenda Jean Winchester:                                                                   3/16/1998
Since you Father does not recognize his Mother & Dad as his Parents for so many years - we have decided not to recognize you and your children as any relation to us as well. 
If your dad had no parents - how could we be associated with any of his offsprings.
Sorry - but we will notWelcome you on any future trips to our hoseholds and my children express the same view. 
So as far as we are concerned - your anticipated trip north on Good Friday or near the Easter Season will not have any bearings on every day living proceedures of ours.
                                      Sorry not to have a heart But your dad has taught us how to be that way.  
                                                                 Robert F Hauck, Sr.
DO NOT PHONE AND CAUSE FUTURE ANOYANCES =We will hang up on you-save the expense.
About thirteen years ago I received a copy of a typed letter from my grandfather disowning me from his life.  In this letter filled with grammatical and spelling errors, he illogically informed me that since his son (my father) no longer had contact with him, he considered him dead to him.  And if his son was not existent in his life, therefore [being my father’s daughter] I no longer existed.  Informally without emotion he continued, “Do not call our home phone, we will hang up.  Do not contact our ‘hosehold’ [household] with cards or letters, we will return them.  We consider such actions ‘anoyances’ [annoyances] ...for our everyday ‘proceedures’ [procedures].”  For my Dad, this was not a big deal.  My father had left Pennsylvania before state child support agencies were computerized so this prevented him from being traced and thus having to pay child support.  The only connection I had to my dad’s side of the family was my Grandmother.  I loved her and soaked her love up like a dry sponge soaks up water.  So for me this was a big deal twenty years ago and is still a big deal to me to this day.
My Grandmother and I exchanged letters from the time I was ten years old until I was in college.  There was nothing like going to the mailbox and seeing a hand addressed letter from her.  Letters I still have to this day explaining the family tree tracing back Grandma’s family to Ireland and Grandpa’s family to Germany.  They hold a special place in my bible. I visited my grandparents sporadically as our family (held together by my single mother) didn’t have much money.  I longed for the time to be with the family with my same surname.  This is where I belonged, I looked like everyone else, they looked like me, they acted like me and nowhere else in the world did I just know I was with “family.”  In fact when my father did see me for the first time as an adult, he placed both his hands on my shoulders, looked me straight in the eye and said, “You look just like Clara, my mother.”  I knew it as her blood ran through my veins and her soul is alive in me today.
Upon opening this letter from my Grandfather, I dropped to my knees as a thirty-something adult and cried like a baby.  I called my Godmother, who is also my Aunt and she said nonchalantly with a laugh, “I know I saw the letter.  I was embarrassed. Grandpa showed it to us (my aunts) before he sent it.”  How on earth my Godmother and my aunt could not think that this would have an effect on me of insurmountable loss is beyond me. How not standing up for their oldest niece against the Patriarch for the sheer notion that it was the right thing to do still haunts me today.   I called my mother and she was shocked.  Her child was in pain and the people who had caused it were her blood family, the same people who are suppose to protect us, standby us, support us.

For most people Father's day is a day in which you celebrate the fathers in your life.  This may or may not include your grandfathers.  Since my father left me at the age of two and his father disowned me because my father (his son) didn't talk to him then my father didn't "exist" in my grandfather's mind.  It took me close to thirteen years to get over the pain this letter has caused me in addition to the words "my children express the same view" in which he spoke "for" his daughters and to some extent the pain will always be there.  But for this father's day I am giving the child in myself a voice.  And I'm publishing a letter to my Grandfather, Robert F. Hauck, Sr. of Verona Pennsylvania.  He may not claim me, but I have, do and always will claim him.

A Letter to my Grandfather
So after all these years I can no longer be silent.  Silence constitutes consent.  I do not condone his behavior and although he is my elder, his command for respect was a wet noodle the day he wrote, signed and sent that letter.  Unsilenced I write…
Dear Grandpa,
I will never forget I had to find out about Grandmothers passing on February 12, 2007 seven weeks following her death on December 29, 2006 via the online obituaries.  I will never forget how nobody had the decency to call me to come to my own Grandmother’s funeral.  Being the oldest grandchild I always strived for your acceptance by overachieving.  In high school, I was on the AB Honor Roll, the Co-captain of the Majorettes, the second chair out of twenty-one in the band playing the piccolo and flute, wrote for the yearbook staff, cheered for the basketball, football and wrestling teams, played on the basketball team, wrote for the newspaper and was the President of the Future Business Leaders of America.  In college, I maintained a 3.4 average while working forty hours a week and paying for my own education.  I supplemented the scholarships I received and created the first of its kind internship program at my university. 
As an adult, I have raised two beautiful sons and wished you had met them.  I won’t forget the heritage you denied them by refusing to get to know them.  They are both in college now which I am paying for out of my own pocket.  My friends tell me they don’t know how I turned out so “good” when so much “bad” has happened in my life.  The overachieving is done as at the age of forty-six, I have accepted who I am and am satisfied with what I have accomplished. 
Grandma died at the age of 88 five years ago last December.  Which makes you about ninety-two or so.  Good for you, I’m glad to have your genes.  I pray the days are still long enough for you to make things right.  I pray that your ego and pride will break before you meet up with Grandma in heaven once more.  After sixty-seven years of marriage, you told everyone what to do including Grandma.  I forgive Grandma for this as she never really had a voice.  However, her voice lives in me alive and well. You cannot tell me what to do. I can’t protect you from yourself anymore, I cannot be silent. You will have to answer to somebody someday for this pain you have caused.  You cannot deny me or my existence, I am yours….I just have one question for you. What would you do if Jesus denies you when he meets you at the pearly gates?     [*footnote: Grandpa passed away July 2014, and my father was  notified as Dad told me all he wanted to know for was so he could go piss on his grave.]

‘The high-minded man must care more for the truth than for what people think.’ ~ Aristotle

Your Oldest Granddaughter,
BJ Winchester
Formerly Brenda-jean Hauck
Granddaughter of Robert F Hauck, Sr.
Daughter of Robert F Hauck, Jr.
[footnote: I found it funny that my grandfather would type his name as Robert F Hauck, Sr. after he just officially proclaimed my father was dead to him.  If there is no Jr., how can there be a Sr.?]

My father is Robert F. Hauck, Jr. of San Martin, California aka Mr. Deck. [] He left Pennsylvania in 1968ish to avoid child support payments to my mother for his two children; my sister and myself.  He has patents to inventions he's made over the years.  Not once has he offered to be a real father in any shape emotionally or financially in over forty years. He has not shown me care in all the years I have known him.  If you pay him to do his projects for you, you are helping add to his cause of not being held accountable to his daughter EVER.  I believe I'm due this respect, it is after all the right thing to do.  The last communication we had was him demanding me to print his book for him.  He didn't even respect me enough to ask me why I couldn't print the book as fast as he wanted even though at the time he wanted it printed, he changed it seven more times after that.  I pray that the people who read this will forward it to others who will put pressure on him to be accountable to me, after all that is all I have ever wanted, to just be loved and shown this love, respect and support from my father, on every day, not just Father's day, it is the Right thing to do.

In addition, my Godmother Carol Anne Calderone and my aunt Diane Laskoski [Award Winning Interior Designer and owner of the Blindside Decorating and Furniture Store, Monroeville, PA and Asheville, NC] have denied me as well. They did not stop my grandfather from sending this letter and do not to this day acknowledge the harm it has caused me emotionally. I have done nothing but be born, I have not been invited to my own grandmother's funeral or even been notified of her death by my aunts who arranged the funeral.  My grandfather is still alive on this Father's day and I recently sent this letter to him, at the age of 92 in hopes that he and the rest of the family would do the right thing and include me instead of go out of their way to exclude me.

My Aunt Diane also has been interviewed by decorating magazines and she was quoted as seeing an increase in activity when the movie The Blindside with Sandra Bullock came out due to internet searches.  She was quoted as saying that she liked the movie and knew the character Sandra Bullock played was also a decorator.  She thought what Michael Oher's mother did an incredible thing.  She also was quoted as saying that she tries to form relationships with her customers that is long standing.  I can't help find the irony in these two statements as the real reason my grandfather and subsequently the rest of the family disowned me was due to me marrying a man who didn't happen to be white.  So the question is why do we as families exclude our blood for the same reasons we try to form long standing relationships with non blood?  The and avoidance of self-imposed shame.

And what does THAT really say about a person's true character? The irony of a person who helps make a home look beautiful when the actions they exhibit within their family and to their own family members is deplorable. The effect of these actions have been profound on my own character and life.  I know the true pain that is caused being the recipient of conditional love and rejection.  The right thing to do is to always be inclusive of all your family members regardless of what you think about their choices.  Particularly if they cause you no harm.  I've continued to send birthday cards every year and e-mails to my Aunt Diane Laskoski and no response has been given.  Am I not even worthy of a response? nice is that?  I mean really it is not nice at all.  It is in fact a cruel person who ignores their own children and grandchildren (or any blood relatives) who have only tried to be supportive and show love.

So for those of you who have fathers who are supportive, loving and kind, enjoy them and their families because many, and I mean MANY of us don't have a human father to be happy about on this day in June.  But we all have an immortal father to help us cope with this day.

Mr. Deck, Robert F. Hauck, Jr.  My father in absentia

Websites by my father:

Dear Father,
It is amazing to me that you can be so intelligent as to write such profound books but not have a drop of emotional intelligence to include me in your life for over 48 years!  I am your oldest daughter yet you have not acknowledged me and probably never will acknowledge me and the beautiful woman I have become.  I hope all see this so that you are exposed for the poor father you have been to me all these years.  Pain and tears are all you have caused me yet you feel the world still owes YOU something.  What have you done for your child is what God will ask you, not how many hours you put into studying his design.

You oldest daughter,
Brenda-Jean Winchester


  1. Brenda-- I am so sorry for your misfortune of having a self centered, petty and narcissistic parent. I read your blog post from front to back.

    I have spoken to Robert a couple of times... he wanted me to co-author that book with him, but I couldn't spare the time and didn't have faith in the self publishing aspect of it.

    From reading his website I knew he had an edge, however i was unaware he had kids that he had rejected so cruelly.

    I too have parents that have not spoken to me in 5 years...and a grand child that hasn't received so much as a birthday card or a phone call in that time. The greatest crime of a parent is to punish the innocent child for the actions of a parent. That goes for your grandfather too.

    I find what he has done to be reprehensible and until the day I hear he has made things right with you... I have nothing to say to him. I have lost all respect. My first reaction was to strip any blog posts mentioning him from my website, however, keeping it there with your comment will be a far better tool to illustrate his crime.

    When it comes to my parents it had more to do with his psychological issues and tendency to bully and berate his kids. Wayne Winterburn had 3 kids... I left home at 16, my youngest sister left home at 13. My parents are dead to both of us.

    The difference between you and I is that you are asking for attention and still seeking approval from someone unable to give what you need...

    I am just waiting for someone to send me the bill for my parent's funeral.

    I couldn't be more apathetic towards mine. I made the first move and asked my mother to see my son about 4 years ago. She refused. My parents still slander me to this day to the rest of the family. That's ok... It is all I would expect from them.

    I will end on this note.

    Racism is the most dramatic character flaw possible. It takes a true idiot to persecute another person simply for the color of their skin.

    Brenda Jean, please look within yourself. You don't really need your Father or Grandfather. Feel sorry for them and please understand... It is their issue. Not yours.

    Be Well Brenda.

    Lawrence Winterburn

  2. Lawrence,
    Thank you kindly for your words. I am sorry for your pain. I have healed and hope you will too. I just pray that transparency will expose the cockroaches that lurk in the night. I agree that leaving the blog with the comment is appropriate. If I were you, and I realize I'm not, I would delete the part about RFH, Jr. being your "mentor." He is far from being ANYONE's mentor. Least of all mine.