This is scary to me because I don't think that I'm old enough to die. I'm ready to die. I have lived a great life and done what I wanted and achieved what I wanted. There is always one exception. Well maybe there are two. I wanted to work at NCCJ as a cultural diversity speaker. God gave me other means to do so without pay and that was good enough for me. A woman got that job. I wanted to dislike her so much until I met her. I just knew God had that job for me. I lived diversity on a daily basis, I was already a pro. Turns out, she had just gotten a divorce and was in the most painful of situations. She was Jewish and was a mother of three boys. She said when she finally got out of the divorce, she didn't even know what kind of music she liked! At the age of fifty-two her husband had only listened to NPR and didn't allow any music of any kind in the house. Her child-like fascination with the smallest of things was contagious. She would get so excited about drums! She had found that she loved drums. I realized that God had that job for her and not me. God had blessed me with a good friend from that day forward. She would give people money who were broke. Her random acts of kindness consisted of going above and beyond.
Her son tells the story of when she met someone at a gas pump who asked for five dollars for food. She not only gave them the five dollars she gave them a ride home after swinging by her house and emptying her cupboard. This was just the kind of person that she was.
The second goal I never achieved was making it to Division I as a basketball referee. Once you have been picked up by a D 1 conference, you have achieved in the eyes of other officials. So I feel like I fell short. My weight was the issue. When I entered officiating, I had lost over 100 pounds so I thought I was ok. I looked good and ran faster or just as fast as others. After all the surgeries, (five) I just couldn't work out the way I could normally. The right thing to do is to realize that God has another plan for me and that spot was for someone else just like the job was. It is a hard pill to swallow. Wanting something so badly and never getting it while watching others who make it and are not as good as you are. But I know that God doesn't make mistakes.
Unexplainable events like the death of young people we know and having to attend their funerals aren't mistake either. It becomes clear after death or after the event. Its what we do with the event and how we process it. God has a plan, a master plan, and just like looking at an unfinished shed behind the 5500 sq ft house that isn't built yet, it doesn't look like much. The part of my personality that likes to know what the plan is is somewhat bothered by the inability to see the full picture. But the part of my personality that feels it in my gut that I'm on the right path and will reach the end of the forest soon, makes it seem ok as I sit back and enjoy the journey.